Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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