Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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