I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
