i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
