if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I need to sanitize my soul.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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