Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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