the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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