I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
