why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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