I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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