my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
God gave him joint rollers for hands
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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