So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
