Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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