Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
