My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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