hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
