Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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