I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That reminds me...we need to get swords
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
