If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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