So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
