I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
