Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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