He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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