bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
