dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
