Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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