He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
