So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
