That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
