Cold hands, warm shart.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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