don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
