I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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