and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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