Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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