he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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