My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
