Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
can u get pink eye on your cock?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I think my moral compass just broke
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
