capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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