You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
