it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
