dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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