Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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