No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
