Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Drunk is a universal language darling
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