whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
