stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
