I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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