my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
