i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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