He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
