Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
