I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
