Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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