he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
