Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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